you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
