I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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