Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
