i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He has the fingertips of a God
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