it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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