mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
