the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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