you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
