if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
