Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
