Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
