margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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