Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
