the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
