I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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