my mouth tastes like poor choices
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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