If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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