A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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