The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You are a genius and a whore.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
