totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize