I want to walk on stilts...naked
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
