Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize