I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
