i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
