Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
