If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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