roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
