I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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