and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize