happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
