And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
