i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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