Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
