did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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