can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
