How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
