i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
