Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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