You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
