hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize