Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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