P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
