How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
