hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
