I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm getting married
To pizza
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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