My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize