i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
