Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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