How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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