my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize