You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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