I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
