If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
