I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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