I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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