I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
