Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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