hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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