I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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