If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
