I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
