I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
