In the future we'll all be gay
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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