he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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