He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
