right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
