my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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