Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
